NEW PRESIDENTIAL DECREES

THE WHITE HOUSE

EXECUTIVE ORDER #3,425,786

FROM:  THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
TO:         HOLLYWOOD

Given the principles I enunciated in Raleigh, NC, I hereby issue this executive order compelling you to add two hours of closing credits to all future films.

[signed] BARACK OBAMA

President of the United States

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[Handwritten message by the President to his personal secretary:]

Anita: Plz send following memo, my private stationery, to Academy Awards show producers:

"Guys, you're gonna have to allow enough show time for MUCH longer 'thank-you' speeches. In future, figure on two-week Oscar TV show, minimum." -- s/ Barack

Also, dash off reminder memo, again my private letterhead, to my Hollywood filmmaker friends (use Clooney's distribution list):

"You didn't produce and direct that." -- s/ Barack